The summer I decided to fully trust Jesus – meaning with my whole mind, heart and soul – was the summer my beautiful wife Jill was diagnosed with Huntington’s disease (HD), a rare terminal illness that’s described as having the equivalent of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and ALS (also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease) at the same time.
I had several choices that summer of 2018. One was to mourn what was in store for her – and us – as the disease advanced in the years ahead, knowing it would cause her radical suffering. Another option was to shut down and numb myself to what I was feeling. And still another was to acknowledge I needed major help.
That’s when I turned to Jesus.
As a cradle Catholic, I always believed in Christ. I prayed to him once or twice a day. I went to Mass each week. But I had never fully trusted him. The truth of the matter was that I was lukewarm.
Most people I knew were lukewarm. We are faced with many distractions in life, which makes it difficult to take the time to truly consider who Jesus is. But when my wife was diagnosed with HD, I knew it was highly likely that our beloved daughter, Alexus, also had the disease, because if you’re related to someone with HD, there’s a 50 percent chance you have it too. Sadly, Alexus discovered she also has it.
Faced with all this, I took the time to consider who Christ was. I knew he lived. I knew he suffered greatly and died a horrible death. And I believed he rose from the dead, saving us from our sins so that we have the opportunity to be reunited with God the Father in heaven one day.
In other words, I believed in the Good News that we have a Savior. However, because of the major dysfunction in my family during my childhood, what I didn’t believe was that I was good enough to be loved by God. I didn’t believe I could fully trust in him because I was afraid of being hurt, just as I had been hurt by people who were supposed to have loved me while I was growing up. Because of their own woundedness, however, they had caused me great pain.
Blocking my heart from fully receiving love, my own ability to give love to others had been paralyzed. I was selfish, egotistical, prideful, and unforgiving. But that summer, realizing that my wife was going to suffer in horrific ways, I understood that the selfish man I had become could not give my wife the proper patience, selflessness, love, and care that she would need as her disease progressed.
I needed help. I needed a Savior. I just needed to trust him. And that’s what I did when I surrendered to Christ, with my whole heart, mind, and soul. This meant I carved out multiple times throughout the day to pray to him. Most of my prayer time was spent listening to him. It meant reading the Bible more frequently to learn how to be like him. It meant seeing his divine providence everywhere. It meant thanking him for when good – and bad – things happened.
When bad things happened, I needed his love and grace more in my life, and so I was grateful he was there, especially in the Eucharist.
Attending Mass, then, has become the most treasured part of my week because Jesus’ love faithfully remains with us; the proof is in the Eucharist.
Pope Benedict XVI once wrote, “A Eucharist which does not pass over into the concrete practice of love is intrinsically fragmented. Conversely, the ‘commandment’ of love is only possible because it is more than a requirement. Love can be ‘commanded’ because it has first been given.”
Because of the Eucharist, I am now not afraid to love my wife and daughter with greater selflessness, vulnerability, mercy, and patience. As a result, many supernatural graces are now pouring into my life, causing much joy and peace in my family, despite the relentlessly negative ways that HD has affected my wife’s mind and body as the months go by.
I can only point to one source of these graces: Jesus, fully present – body, blood, soul and divinity – in the Eucharist. He is the way, the truth, and the life.
Carlos Briceño is the director of communications and evangelization at the Basilica of Saint Mary in Alexandria, Virginia. He tries to inspire others in their journeys of surrendering to the Lord in his website, The Art of Surrender: https://artofsurrender.shorthandstories.com/
Photo by Josh Applegate on Unsplash
